The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
