Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize