tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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