I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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