last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
