I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
