thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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