I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
