I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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