Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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