Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
