after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
