I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
