Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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