im having a threesome with these popsicles
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
