you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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