does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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