Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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