Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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