So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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