remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
