Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
