I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
