mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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