My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
