I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize