I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
