Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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