peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize