I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
