I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize