I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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