can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
