What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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