I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
