Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
