I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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