Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
