Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My liver just had a heart attack.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
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