No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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