I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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