He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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