Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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