My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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