rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
