i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
