if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
