you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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