Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
