How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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