3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
