I'm gonna have a badass scar
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
