So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
God, I missed his penis.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
