What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
