Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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