if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize