Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
