I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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