Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
