3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
