remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
