insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
