If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize