im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
