I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
