I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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