Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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