the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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