he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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