Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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