i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
